#keepingitreal

Nachos and a pink girly cocktail…that was the combination of food my best friend was treating me to when a fun night out playing poker and drinking turned, quite literally, explosive.  A full-on screaming “F- You” type of fight occurred all because I got pissy that she was being her generous self and buying me a drink.  And the reason for my piss ass attitude was that I was “feeling too fat” after eating the nachos and skipping a workout or two over the weekend (which I should mention was also my vacation).  I brought my best friend since seventh grade to tears over a fucking plate of nachos.  You might be asking yourself, “Who is this crazy bitch?  Thank god she isn’t my friend!”  The truth of the matter is that I, like so many other women these days, was so stressed about what one missed workout would do to my physical appearance.  Missing a workout or overindulging in fatty foods brought out the worst in me.  Calories were counted religiously.  Looking back I’m shocked that my husband ever became my husband after enduring daily laments of “I’m sooooo fat!” and nervous breakdowns over one missed yoga class.  He’s confessed to me that he didn’t like treating me to fancy dinners or spontaneously purchasing Ben and Jerry pints because I made him feel bad by bitching about how many calories I would be consuming if I ate them…and then I ate them, and then I bitched about being fat.   And on the rare occasion I’d even try and barf it right back up.  

And if this is making my eating habits sound bad, just imagine my workout schedule.  I went from being a collegiate athlete where my workouts were focused on a healthy intention (winning!!!!) to working out purely to stay thin.  With this mindset if an hour of working out was good, then three hours of working out was better.  Yoga, running, lifting, sprinting, hiking, core work…I tried to fit in as much as I could every day.  If a workout was on the schedule but wound up being missed because of laziness or work meetings I became instantly depressed, snapping at anyone that dared enter my presence.  The quality of my day was determined by how much working out I did and how little I ate.  I spent several years of my life dealing with these disordered eating habits.  Living life with the single focus to be the thinnest I could be.  I don’t want this problem to be magnified, I definitely wasn’t in the lowest place you could be but I was struggling with body image on an almost daily basis.

I’m happy to be able to say that I no longer feel this way about my body.  It’s hard for me to pinpoint the exact moment when my outlook shifted.  I know that yoga did a great deal for me.  When you stare at yourself half-naked in a mirror for 60-90 minutes several times a day there comes a point where you can no longer tolerate the negative thoughts that creep in.  You have to find something positive to say.  It can be how strong your quads look in Warrior II, how beautiful the curve in your back is during Camel…but after hours of staring at my body I slowly began replacing the negative thoughts about a little flub here and there and embracing the curves of my body.  The biggest change in my attitude towards both food and my body have definitely come as I’ve started running more competitively.  It’s slightly ironic that as I have become involved in a world where smaller is considered an advantage I’m okay not being the smallest one in the field of runners.  As I’ve started training harder I’ve had to be okay with eating enough to nourish the increased workload.  I’ve learned that a big post-run breakfast leaves me energized to tackle the rest of my day AND replenish my muscles for another run.   It is no longer the number one priority of a workout to shrink my thighs/hips/tummy.  Rather I do each workout with focus.  Some runs are meant to make me fast; others are meant to build my endurance.  When lifting I’m building muscle so that my legs can power me up hills and my core keeps me stable.  Yoga classes are meant to treat my overworked body, stretch the tight spots, and sometimes to just be in a place of peace for an hour.  And a day off is no longer viewed as a step backward but the opportunity for my overworked body to catch up, to reset and be ready for another round of hard work.  It’s taken me several years to get here but I am genuinely a much happier person now that I don’t hate on myself.

I’m not going to write in this post about how the media puts pressure on women to look a certain way, blah blah blah.  But I do genuinely feel that women live in a society where this type of behavior is more accepted.  Remember the episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte, Miranda, and Carrie are all complaining about their body and Sam sits there in silence.  When confronted she replies, “What?  I love everything about myself.  I wouldn’t change a thing.”  The reaction to that comment is disbelief, heaven forbid a women proudly stand-up and say “Hey…this is who I am and it’s pretty damn great”.  

It’s acceptable to make public statements where we put ourselves in a negative light.  We’re conditioned to believe that this type of self-talk is healthy and normal, but the truth is little by little those comments can become full blown delusions that lead to some pretty ugly behavior (read the first two paragraphs).  But, with encouragement from Lauren Fleshmans brave blog posts about body image (http://asklaurenfleshman.com/2013/11/keeping-it-real/ and http://www.runnersworld.com/womens-running/lets-keep-it-real-about-our-bodies?cm_mmc=Twitter-_-RunnersWorld-_-Content-Blog-_-KeepingItReal), I am ready to stand up against the norm and hope to change the course of the tides and say “I LOVE MY BODY!” I’m not making this statement out of narcissism or an overinflated ego but rather out of the respect that I have gained for my body.  My body does some pretty incredible things…it has carried me through one successful athletic career and hopefully through a second attempt at athletic glory!  It lets me play with my dogs, love my husband, get up and go whenever I please.  And it doesn’t get the credit that it deserves.  I’m not there yet, and I probably won’t ever be 100% there but I’m making a conscientious effort to honestly love all aspects of my body.  Every curve has a story…whether it be the curve of a strong hamstring muscle that lets me run farther and faster each day or the curve of a tummy full of delicious Sea Salt Caramel ice cream.  

Post yoga...sweaty hair, muffin top, and tummy rolls!  Negative images in the media eyes...but I think they're all beautiful!

Staring at those four words “I Love my body” gives me chills.  It’s a surprisingly hard thing to say and to publicly admit but I challenge each and every reader to say it to themselves.  Say it today, say it tomorrow, and one day it will come true.  Through our words we have made ourselves believe flaws are ugly.  Change your words and you will start to believe that you are beautiful too…imperfect, flawed, and still strikingly gorgeous!

****I want to thank the women who started this, Lauren Fleshman; my talented coach Magdalena Donahue who told me to “think about” posting a picture; and the amazing group of runners I’ve befriended here that embody this message and give only love and support to each other (and never ever cut each other down), and my best friend Tiff for being the unfortunate inspiration to my intro I love you so much!